Jess, Unmasked

Jess has got her fair share of tattoos, that's for sure. It's the first thing you see about her. And how could you not? They're covering her arms, legs and back. But if you get stuck there for too long you'll miss out on her bright & contagious smile. It could fill a room. See for yourself.

However, as Jess would tell you there is a darker side behind the smile - one that has led to physical outbursts, anger, thoughts of suicide, and hallucinations.

"It was self-inflicted. I punched a window. This scumbag started to mess with not one but TWO girls. People got thrown out. Two pitchers of sangria were dumped on people. Of course, I just had to get involved. The guy looks at me and says to Tom, "That's right. Let your b*tch handle your sh*t for you." At first, I just tried to let it go. But as I was moving out of the way he said something to me and I answered back, "Is this how you get off? By making fun of girls? Why are you so arrogant?" He looked at me and said, "Shut your mouth you fat b*tch." So I hit him. I punched him right in the chest. AND HE HIT ME BACK! Then I hit him in the face. I had to be held back. I was chasing him but I couldn't get to him so I punched a window."

It's a common misconception that anxiety only manifests as "nerves" or "worry." Often, anxiety or any type of mental adversity can be displayed through silence or zoning out, obsessive behavior & nitpicking or even bursts of irritability & anger.

"So after that my therapist was like, "I think you need to go on medication. You handle your stress & depression differently from most people." She's right. I release mine with anger. I act out instead of internalizing."

After a month on medication, Jess reports that she is feeling differently. "I'm not so jumpy all the time. It was like I was always looking over my shoulder for something to happen. I don't find myself dwelling on things as much anymore."

But how did Jess get to this point in the first place?

"I remember as far back as middle school that the nurse & my parents thought I had a heart problem because I was heavier & my heartbeat was really fast. I would have a hard time breathing. Looking back, I think it was the first time I was experiencing any sort of anxiety."

I have heard so many of my featured guests talk about their anxiety in that exact way: the physical symptoms taking over without any conscious understanding of what is happening. It can be frightening.

"I was so young. I had racing thoughts, but I was more worried about the racing feeling in my chest. I was scared I was going to die."

According to the National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI), "50% of all lifetime mental illnesses develop by age 14 and 75% develop by age 24." Jess' earliest memories of struggling with anxiety & depression fall right within that timeline.

"It was my last year of middle school going into high school. No friends. I was failing my classes. I didn't know what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. I had no identity and felt worthless. I buried all these thoughts but as the anxiety got worse, I ate my feelings. My older brothers would go out but I had to stay home. They would have friends over but I would be by myself. I was jealous. I would let myself wallow in my worthlessness."

Now on the eve of her 28th birthday she's living with the aftermath of childhood onset anxiety & depression. "Initially, we determined the anxiety is real. But I am also depressed. In the beginning of March we discovered that I have some OCD tendencies and now we have uncovered a bipolar diagnosis."

Having the careful guidance of a therapist she trusts has turned her life around.

"I think it was actually talking TO somebody. I can sit and talk to my husband, Tom, but he doesn't get it. I tell him all the time, "I really wish you could be IN my head so you could see what it's like." Then I started talking to other people and they would tell me that I would feel better if I went talked to someone professional."

But it isn't always that easy finding the right fit. I myself have been in and out of therapy since age 18. I have had a total of 6 therapists over the course of that time. Some I moved on from because I left the state but a few I had to stop seeing because their style was doing more harm than good. Jess says, "I found somebody after a lot of time. I didn't just trust anybody. But with Allie it was instant. Although before my first appointment I tried to turn around a couple of times. I had to pull over to puke on the highway AND in the parking lot before I went in! I was convinced she was going to tell me that I was crazy and to get out. Turns out, she's great."

Now, what seems like on a daily basis, Jess experiences hallucinations. "I lose so much time because I worry about things that are imaginary. I developed all of these irrational fears. I've become petrified of bugs out of nowhere. I was afraid that things were going to put themselves back together. One night there was a spider in the bathroom and I had Tom kill it. He flushed it down the toilet and I was hysterically crying. What if it comes out? I'm literally picturing it putting itself back together, coming out of the toilet and coming to bite me. I KNOW in my head it is impossible but it FEELS so real."

With the combination of a therapist, management techniques, medication & a supportive husband Jess is able to function better. "It actually has gotten a lot better because now if I see something or have a hallucination I have a conversation with it - it seems so stupid but then I can move on. I used to have severe ups & downs like a roller coaster. But now I'm more like a lasagna noodle."

"Tom was on my ass a lot about it, actually. (Getting help) We’ve almost been married a year. I’ve changed but WE haven’t changed. I guess that’s what marriage is all about. In good times and bad, in sickness and in health and in multiple personalities! It’s taken me a very long time to see that. Now it’s easier & I know how to cope with certain things. I didn’t ever think I’d get to this point where I was in a good place.”

See more of Jess's story on Instagram & Facebook.

Have a question for Anxiety Unmasked? Send a message on IG, FB or email here :-)

Revealing one story at a time - xoxo,
Anxiety Unmasked

P.S. Check out Jess's NEW TATTOO & explanation!

“That’s my new one. There’s a lot of black in there. There’s a lot of ink. Initially, I wanted something to show what I’ve got going on - the anxiety, the depression - and something to show that there’s always good and always bad in me - there’s no middle. Like I can’t find a middle ground. What I had drawn up was a girl who had her hands wrapped around her throat. Because that’s what I feel when I’m anxious or super low. I’m suffocating. Her head was to the side because that would drive someone with OCD insane and I wanted to be reminded that it’s a constant battle. I can’t fix it. I’m dealing with it. But when I went to go get it done he had two drawn up. My image and this one. And I liked his better. It’s so subtle. You can tell it’s a girl and she’s hiding herself. The darker side and the lighter side. It defines me.”






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If you or a friend are struggling with thoughts of suicide and need someone safe & trustworthy to talk to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24 hours a day.

Are you an EMT or First Responder looking for someone who understands? Reach out to The Green Code Campaign.