Lisa, Unmasked

There have been many moments along this journey of preparation for the blog launch where I have questioned whether starting a social media platform related to anxiety WHILE SUFFERING FROM anxiety really was the best choice.

Staring at this blank screen 1 day before launch (anxiety leads to procrastination...procrastination leads to anxiety & around we go) is definitely one of those moments.

But interviewing Lisa was not. It was a defining moment for me where I knew that working to share real people's real stories was a calling.

My first memory of Lisa was of her CRYING 11 years ago when we first met. I think she tells the story differently and says that I was the one crying. Maybe she's right but, my blog? My version :-) In fact, our first encounter was of her interviewing me. Over a decade later and the roles have been reversed.

In 2008 Lisa was writing a news article on a major event I was directing for our college campus. The event was steeped in history & tradition often drawing thousands in attendance. As I was describing a highly anticipated part of the ceremony, she started tearing up! This is very telling of who Lisa is. She feels deeply and is moved by things of beauty - this means she perceives the world in a different way than most and is often very sensitive. A characteristic of many people who describe themselves as suffering with anxiety.

Now as we sit across from each other in an Illinois diner with 11 years of history & friendship between us, Lisa removes her mask.

“I’ve always thought of myself as more struggling with depression than anxiety. I think that I started realizing I had anxiety but that it just looks different from having panic attacks. It’s more like obsessive thoughts."

Anxiety manifests differently for everyone when it comes to physical symptoms but one of the most common characteristics is as Lisa described, obsessive thoughts. I, myself, am all too familiar with this. For me it usually starts when I'm waiting for an answer to something that I have little to no control over. An unanswered text message, phone call, job application...I obsess over a fabricated, unfounded outcome ultimately leading to further stress. And I can't get a handle on the thoughts spinning out of control. It isn't as easy as thinking on the "bright side."

In addition to the emotional component of anxious thoughts, there is a very real neurological factor. Our brains are wired by neuro-connective tissue and "electric"neuro-pathways. It's how the brain "talks" to itself. These neuro-pathways are formed through our experiences as well as emotional encounters. It's also how the brain "learns." When we learn how to play the piano, a new pathway is formed in the brain. The more we practice, the better we get and the deeper the pathway is rooted in the brain. If you learned a new instrument and stopped playing the piano, eventually your brain's ability to recall how to "tickle the ivory" is diminished and the new instrument takes over. The same thing happens with an emotional response trigger.

Coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship, I was conditioned that silence meant punishment. Sometimes it would be a few hours, sometimes it was a few days and often times it was when we were in the same room. Either way, a neuro-pathway was formed and any time I encounter silence from a romantic partner, I panic. My brain is wired that way. Imagine two dams holding back the power of Niagara Falls. Behind one gate is a crevice as deep as the Grand Canyon (anxiety pathway). Behind the other gate is a crevice as deep as your backyard stream (normal emotional response). When those flood gates open, that water will rush to fill up the deepest crevice. THIS is why simply looking on the "bright side" of things is not the solution to an anxiety attack.

Luckily, the brain is what scientists call, "plastic." Meaning that through consistent methods our brains can break or change the neuro-connective tissue pathways over time and lessen the trigger response or remove it entirely. One of the ways to do this is through Neuroplasticity Training - which is just a fancy way to say "brain rewiring." I've actually had this done and saw notable improvements.

For Lisa these obsessive thoughts are triggered by financial distress. "When I am under the gun financially I hold my breath and exhale over and over. Then I start doing the numbers. The obsessive numbers. At the end I hope it will provide me with a number that will make me feel comfortable and not anxious. But it never does because that number at the bottom is never enough."

Through therapy and a considerable amount of self-reflection she has found that her anxious relationship with money is rooted in her upbringing. One particular instance with her father stands out.

"He was just so myopic when it came to trying to teach me things. He was unrelenting in his desire for me to really appreciate the accumulation of extra money. And I just wanted to use some to get a couple items of clothing. I wore him down until he said, "F*ck it. Take your whole passbook to the bank and spend it all." So, I did. All $500 of it. I was 15."

30 years later Lisa would come to find herself unemployed, facing eviction & temporary homelessness. 

"I think that my rock bottom was the eviction. When I was in court that day the judge even looked like she was worried about me because my head was down and tears were just pouring out of my eyes. There was so much in that moment. That was my dream apartment. I loved living there but I lost it. I lost it all because I've had a relationship with finances based in obsession and anxiety."

After couch surfing her (and her dog's) way through Chicago, Lisa found respite down South with a friend. But that, too, was temporary and unstable. Eventually, she was asked to leave and found a tiny one bedroom apartment on her own. Furnished with nothing more than a bed, Lisa tried to stay afloat while battling her daily anxieties & depression working two part-time jobs. If eviction was her rock bottom, her empty, out of state apartment was her launching pad. 

"It was just part of the stepping stone. I am so grateful to my friend. I had no place to live but I knew right away that she just wanted her personal space back and I needed to be back in my own home state."

If there is one thing Lisa is, it is resilient. Throughout every obstacle she has encountered she has kept her head high and battled on. Those with anxiety are often misjudged as being weak. It is by far the opposite. 

Lisa has now found more stable footing and a job with proper health insurance that can allow her to receive the therapy she needs. 

Follow Lisa's story & full reveal on Instagram or on Facebook. 

Can you relate to Lisa's story? What have you found helpful to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts? Management techniques, revolutionary neuroscience trials, medication? Let us know in the comments.

Have a question for Anxiety Unmasked? Email here :-)

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Anxiety Unmasked